I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
