My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
