Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
