Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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