youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Those nachos came to me in a dream
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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