We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
