the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
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