i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
