before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
