I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
My friends, they love my intelligence
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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