I haven't been this sober since birth.
Operation Purity has been aborted
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
