mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
