put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Randomize
