New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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