the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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