If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
