what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Randomize
