at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
