So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
