I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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