I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
