I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Randomize
