Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
