He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
