I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
