I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
