they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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