youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
