Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
