I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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