Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
