I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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