I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
