Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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