We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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