dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
this boner is exhausting
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize