I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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