i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
