My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
so let's talk penis.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
