I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
