There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
