4 words: hood of his car
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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