guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
