I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
