I puked a lego.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
