so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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