I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize