I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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