Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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