oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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