if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
