Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
