Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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