so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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