The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
wow bdsm is so cute
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
