all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
