How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
