I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
