yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
