come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
