help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
