I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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