someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
