I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
