I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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