I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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