He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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